I'm not myself right now. I am afraid to put my finger on how I feel. I'm scared to find out that I'm happier than I should be, or that I really do hate myself for everything that I've done. I have had the craziest weekend and the most lazy afternoon. You'd think that I would have been able to work things out in my head, but instead I'm pretending that none of it exists. I wonder if maybe that's healthier for me, being able to stop thinking for awhile, because I really never stop running things over and over through my head.
I'm making you a mix. I'm going to write a letter that goes with it and try to explain to you everything that I haven't been able to explain in the past few days. I know that I've messed up everything, is what it will say. I know that I did this all wrong. But I wish I could say other things too, like why can't you see where I'm coming from? Why can't I make you understand how much I'm killing myself over this, because maybe if you did, you wouldn't hate me so much? And why did you do this to him already, but when its the other way around, suddenly he's a villain. I won't though, because I want to be your friend. More than anything, I want to be your friend.
I know I ruined the end of your senior year, and I'm sorry. More than sorry. I don't want to ruin girls for you for a long time, and I don't want this to be what you think of when you think of graduation. I hate girls who do that, who just do things when its a good time for them and don't think about how much they're hurting the guy. Funny, I think my trend for this year has been turning into things that I hate.
This will be over soon, thats what I keep telling myself. Life keeps going, you know? At least there's someone in my life who keeps telling me that.
