runnin' just to be on the run

I've never felt so placidly unsure before, so confused about who I am and what I want, so ok with that, so empty, but having such an amazing time. It's 3:45am, I just watched a "tough guy" cry, I know someone who almost killed themself a few days ago, I have lost so many people, I have gained so many people. Taking stock is impossible, so instead I let my mind wander.

"It's that I want to find some thing, some little thing inside of everyone that I can love." Am I needy, is that why I'm always in a relationship? My brain deserves a roadmap, although the twists might confuse people more than just trying to follow. Can I be figured out, and can anyone REALLY be figured out? So many questions I want to ask God, ask the world, ask myself. And some I do, and some I hide, put away for a better time.

But in the end, I want magic. I want a smile that can make other people smile, I want to light up where I am, I want to make other people think. I don't know if I've ever really had that, and maybe I never will. But one at a time, I can talk to people, I can ask questions, I can make them rack their brain. Don't say "it's no big deal," because it is. Don't say "it's fun," because thats an escape, thats not what matters.

Eventually, I know that I'll find out who matters, and I'll find out who I miss. I'm to afraid to be lonely right now, too many other people are. I have convinced myself that I am the listener, and I just keep wanting to go back...back to being the one who knows what to say. It might be like keeping a wave on the shore, and who knows what will happen then. But for now, I want to make the people around me smile. I want to make them happy, and free like I'm telling myself I am.

The rest comes later, the realization that there are people at home for me too. People who mean so much to me...so much that I'm afraid to put my finger on it.

But for now, shine. Listen, question, learn, and try know what to say. Smile.

fallen down

nothing I say seems to matter,

primus inter pares

so many different ways to live, to love, to see beauty. how could any one be more important than another?

lagunita

My heart can't feel anymore, but my smile tells me that this summer is special.

"I wish we could meet"

beautiful, relaxing, alive,

awkward, nervous, alone,

smart, sweet, eclectic,

so different than everything I expected, so the same,

keep looking forward, don't drop behind.

but think...

the lucky ones

we're all in the same place, and that makes me sure that we'll all help each other get out. I miss everyone, but I'm independent. This summer is right, this summer is going to work out, like corralitos road 3 years ago. 

Starting last tuesday, I started collaging again, and I started talking again, and I started thinking again, and I'm ready.

I'm surrounded by people I love, and I pushed them away enough already, I can't let them go. next year is our last, and I won't let it be like this year...I promise.

Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story....

.....Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

jot

a.. I hate when you know you're the only one left out, and no one else will tell you why.

b.. you can't say things like that to me, because you think they don't matter, and that I don't apply them to myself...but I do. your "best day ever" means that I wasn't good enough.

c.. Today, I realized that I am terrible at having closure.

Today, I realized that I have become a pro at running away from things.

Today, I had a very long day, and its only 6:00.

d.. its funny...these are so sad. and I am so happy.

e. 6 weeks > 2 weeks

corners of my mind

collage

home alone

sun

baby blue

your hands

dancing

luck

italy

east cliff

1 year ago

going back

cards I should have made

escape

expecting

...believe it or not, its just me.