flat

sometimes, all I can think about is the myth that she told us. sometimes, I just sit and yearn for that completion, that other half, that was "separated when the gods got jealous". sometimes, I miss that feeling.

sometimes, I'm really happy with where I am, and proud to stand alone. sometimes, I spend hours reading and thinking, and they're all mine, and I don't have to worry about anyone else.

sometimes, I just don't know.

I'm learning to be ok with that.

perspective

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

real

Can't you see I'm trying?

absurdity

-exhaustion

-waffles

-make-up work

-thanksgiving

-day by day

-we create our own happiness

-No One Belongs Here More Than You

-apologies. so many apologies.

-missing. longing.

-100%?

-applying through life (summer jobs)

-massages

-nose piercings

-Daisy Miller

-Dec 15

-reunions (oregon part 2?)

It's all about how you approach the situation.

extrañar

I'm sick of convincing myself that anything could be a sign, I'm sick of seeing things and thinking that it could mean something. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just believe too much, or in the wrong people, in the wrong things.

I'm trying to be as upbeat as I can here. Just give me a few days, I'll find it in myself.

waiting

Dear Austin,

I don't know where to start. I don't know what's useful, and what is ridiculous. I could say so many things:

I could say that I'm sad I didn't know you better. Because I am...you clearly had a huge impact on everyone around you. Reading the things that people wrote about you (and still are) is breathtaking, and I almost always end up crying. I clearly missed out. But is it worth it for me to say that now? Is it worth it to dwell on the past? "I should have been better friends with you...I'm kicking myself now" just doesn't seem right. If he wasn't dead, I wouldn't be saying that. But he is...

I could say that I'm sorry. Somewhere, somehow, something failed. Why did that even seem like an option? What makes things like that seem like a good way out? What was so awful about this world, anyway? I am sorry that I didn't make it better. I'm sorry that I didn't make you want to stick around. Why didn't I reach out?

I guess the truth is, though, that all I really can do is to look forward. I don't want to use the clichéd words that I always do, but I don't know how else to put it. This is a huge loss, a shock, a tragedy, and I didn't even know you very well. I know that focusing on that will get me nowhere though, so instead I am trying to keep going.

Still, you're in the back of my mind every step of the way. When I get in a fight with my sister, when I'm in a meeting and my patience is at its end, or when I just really don't want to take the time to be nice to someone who is getting on my nerves, now I always hear your name coming from somewhere deep inside of me, and I take a deep breath, and try my best to think of what everyone tells me you would have done. I never again want to let anyone else around me feel as lost or as pained as you must have.

It sounds so strange to say it, but thank you. Thank you for making me think twice, and thank you for opening my eyes a little bit more, so maybe I'll see a few more things around me. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile at people when I pass them during school, and thank you for forcing me to hug everyone I love a few more times than usual in the past few days.

I'm doing my best, and for some reason, I feel like I've gotten another chance, as much as I don't deserve it.

You will never be forgotten.

Rest in Peace.

grieving

"Saints are not perfect. And you don't become a saint by trying to do what God made someone else to do. You become a saint by being the best of what God made you to be."