generative writing

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-will-always-care-too-much/

Fall

"I myself am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions"

I wonder how it looks from the outside. 3 years, my life "mapped out", and I'm still holding up this facade that I know what I'm doing. I have said it so many times, and explained every step I have taken and will take to do what I want to. It makes it so easy to hide all of the things that could go wrong... all of the in-bewteen spaces that are still gaping holes, daring me to mess it all up.

It's ok to not know. I have finally learned that, which is why all of this doesn't terrify me half as much as it might have. Yet it's still odd to wonder how many of my mistakes, bumps, and scrapes, are just glazed over when I talk about where I'm going.

Sometimes I think about things I wish I could fix, or things I could have handled more gracefully. I wish I had handled friendships and relationships and arguments and conversations differently. I miss people and I know that I don't have to, and that I could have made things work out differently in the end. But somehow I never regret. I look forward because I need to.

I just want to prove that I can do this. I want to prove that I can be me, with no embellishments, and be successful. I want to prove that I made the right decision graduating early, that I made the right decision to apply for the Truman, that I made the right decision to come to Conn. I want to prove to myself and to my parents and to everyone else that this wasn't something I settled for...it was right. I need this to be right and I will make it that way.

"A certain darkness is needed to see the stars..."