Metacognition

I'm starting to feel like I am consistently at war with myself about what is underachieving, what is good enough, what is unachievable, and where it is plausible to fall in between...and the only time that I don't worry about it is when I am thoughtlessly drifting through nothing productive at all. Why is it that we feel most unconcerned and "worry free" when we are accomplishing absolutely nothing? Why is it that my outlets are so stagnant and so selfish? Could I not, instead, feel relaxed because I am achieving something, because I am causing some sort of change, or because I have made some step (no matter how small) forward? Instead, I focus my energy on things I know I have control over - I run, I read, I cook...these things don't do anything for anyone else, but they are things that I know I can face and complete without too much effort.

I have never been ok with being "fine" or "adequate" at things, and I am beginning to wonder where this seemingly productive quality turned me into someone who is afraid to try something new. I have begun to see the world in a way that incentivizes not trying to make a difference because I am so afraid that I will not be the best, or that I will fall short of the top. It's important to note here that I am not trying to be reasonable - I am fully aware of the fact that these sentiments are selfish, irrational, and immature. But if I can cognitively understand that, then why can't I change it, and why is it still debilitating me? When did I decide to opt for normalcy rather than a possibly failed attempt at something more, and how do I go back?

And still, I can't help but turn this around in my head as I write, and think about what my response would be if someone else had written it. Pick yourself up; you are crying about things only you can fix. Letting the past dictate your future is weak, and will not be tolerated.