Unfinished/11:11

Have I loved well? I have loved often, and responsibly, and tenderly, and steadily. I have supported, and thought of, and worried about. I have moved in, I have traveled hand in hand, I have cried and laughed and written love letters and celebrated anniversaries. I have done all these things more than most people my age, I think.

Have I ever fallen deeply and madly? Have I ever let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? And...will I ever be able to answer that question? How do you know how badly your heart can be broken if you don't have anything to compare it to.

Poor you, they roll their eyes. Poor girl who wonders if she has ever been shattered. I have cried, and I have been lonely. I have felt those things while in relationships. Does that make them different? No matter what title you put on it, they are relational (or not) feelings. Or they are feelings that happen because of what is inside of you, and it doesn't matter whether or not you have another person - you insulate yourself or you don't, you let yourself be brave or you don't.

I am working on walking into rooms on my own. I like to follow behind my partner. I like people to introduce me, rather than having to do it myself. I am working on loving without looking for validation. I am working on finding confidence within myself and seeing others in a human way when I put love out and don't receive it back in the way I was hoping to.

Should I strive to let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? Is loving without thought or without reservation the goal? The goal...like there is one goal. Like we all want the same love, like we all define love the same way.

Love is when you care about someone more than their "things" bother you. Or love shouldn't be defined by pros and cons. Or...