like a rolling stone

I wonder if I'm doing this right. Then I wonder what IS right, and often I wonder if this is what the rest of my life will be like; wondering.

"Every day it changes," I explain over and over. "Sometimes, I'm so excited to go. But other days, I'm scared out of my mind." I always feel like I could have done a better job. I know that I procrastinate, and I know that I goof off. I know that I could be more focused, and that I could do more than I do for the people around me. I know that I have never gotten the balance right between fun and work. I know that I have gotten distracted and let people down. I know that I have overworked myself, and let myself down.

I sometimes think that suddenly things will click next year. I sometimes hope that college will magically make me know how to live an adult life. But I know that's not true.

That's when I get scared. That's when I worry that I will go out into the world and fail. I worry that I will let people down, and not live up to their expectations. I worry that I'm not good enough.

But who is anyone to say, really? Who is anyone else to tell me who I am or what to be? I wish I could be this strong, I wish I could be weak.

One thing I know is that as I get older, I know less and less.