Use it.

I'm actually packed...

I'm actually leaving...

I'm actually....?

Tomorrow, I'll ACTUALLY be in Honduras.

One final plea:

PLEASE WRITE.

Really, this time.

I'm resisting quoting a song. Especially because its Hannah Engleman's status.

I just realized what the date was yesterday, funny how I knew I was leaving, I forgot what the actual date was. Well, I guess I'll go to bed now, and I'll call some people tomorrow and then I'll leave tomorrow and then I won't post any more dumb spastic blogs.

I'll go before the temptation is too great.

I know you're going to go lurk her status now.

The song is: Johnny and June - Heidi Newfield

I'll be here awhile

Who PREWRITES something for a yearbook.

Ok 1:35 is usually a high point for me, tonight it is a definite low.

This is blog abuse.

I also abuse iTunes shuffle.

or you could say that it was abusing me.

Maybe it was the pie?

10 minutes later...

I can't sleep

I keep thinking about how I'm not packed

and how I haven't seen people who I want to see since the last day of school

and how I just want to give you one last hug

and how I'm not ready.

What if I forget something? Then I'm really screwed.

They don't accept packages, did you know?

No you didn't.

Because it doesn't matter.

Why am I psychopathic?

now,

This is stupid.

I have posted 2 (make that 3 now?) blogs tonight and this is stupid. I am not dying.

I am lucky that I had what I had. I am SO lucky. And I still have my best friend, just because I can't kiss him anymore doesn't mean he's not my best friend. And there's other people who I really want to get to know.

So.

I'll just stop moping now. And I'll stop watching stupid things where the girl is sad and the guy goes back and whabam everything is alright! Because guess what, that's not happening. I'm not living in a movie, or in a TV show, or in anything scripted for that matter. My life may be cliche, but its not scripted, and I'm leaving tomorrow, I AM LEAVING, and I am going for six weeks, and when I come back, I am moved on completely, and I can finally commit fully to other things that I couldn't do anything about before.

Fin. Goodnight.

hold my hand

Postsecret makes me cry, and its not because of what the secrets say.

Manic

If I wasn't going to Honduras, this wouldn't have been the opportune time, and we wouldn't have ended. And then I wouldn't have spent awful months being inadequate. And I also wouldn't have gotten to know Sam and I wouldn't have become friends with Bryce again. And then my family wouldn't think that I drove Alex away by being a flirt. And I would also still be fighting with Alex and he still wouldn't care. But now we both care and we're broken up and by Tuesday we will almost literally be across the globe from each other. And if that wasn't true then I would feel bad talking to Sam on the phone but I enjoy talking to Sam on the phone. And if that wasn't true I'd also be on the end of a string hanging by maybe two fingers by now because Alex was just dangling me. But I would also be able to see him when he got back and I would be able to hug him and thats all I want right now. And then I wouldn't be able to hang out with any other guys or barely talk to any other guys because I would feel so guilty. Which kinda sucked because I really enjoy having guy friends.

This makes no sense to anyone but me, I guess.

arabesque

"Didn't you think you were crazy?"

"A little."

My horoscope for Thursday was:

Its finally time to really step up and make the big decision thats been facing you. It could be related to career, though romance is also a strong possibility. You are much more ready than you think.

my days without internet

I have watched way too many movies.

My mom and I are hooked on Gilmore Girls.

I'm almost packed.

Alex is gone... I talked to him for the last time today.

Sam is in a thunderstorm.

Elise likes extra sauce.

I got a haircut. "It looks the same"

Honesty box whaaat?

voicemails

I don't leave voicemails for a lot of people.

I'm glad you left one for me.

yearbook

"I don't even know why we're doing this anymore"



"I will love you for a long time, even if I don't say it anymore"

I feel sick

"I'll always remember and never regret"

The only thing I regret is last night,
that was the saddest night of my entire life.

Cold water

I have been thinking,

and I realized,

maybe God wants us to go to heaven,

and thats why he lets us stay until we are good

and then when we are

he takes us.

And thats why we shouldn't be so sad,

because really they were meant to go,

and they really are in a better place...

they are in heaven.

And really when we're sad,

its not because we're afraid for them,

its because we miss them, and we feel sorry for ourselves.

But thats alright, because its only human.

I hope I go to heaven.

Maybe baby

I wonder if getting my ticket will make this more real to me

because I still haven't really figured out

that I'm going to be in Honduras

in less than 10 days.

"one hug request"

If I could,

I would make hug requests to everyone.

If I had to choose to do one thing for the rest of my life,

it would be to hug people.

I saw "my past" today

and it ignored me.

cool

I really screwed this one up.

How nice!

Nate apologized for his mistake in my yearbook! That was very thoughtful of him.

This is a happy end

I can't make myself realize that its over.

Or that I leave in a week and a half.

The sunburn was worth it,

Today was

exactly what I

needed.

Thank you to everyone who was a part of it,

I love you.

Monologue

At first I thought it was funny how it seemed to fit well

its not funny anymore how true it is.

"You're always so busy playing "Good Dog" for everybody. You roll over, sit up and bark! An actor? Honey...you conduct yourself life some dried-up ad agency squeak!"

"Jimmy all those unuttered opinions were uttered....because I care about you. Don't you know that?"

If only your eyes were green

I came here with a load,

and it feels so much lighter,

now that I met you.

I came here to talk,

I thought you should know.

-Damien Rice

untitled

That was the last walk I'm going to go on with you for a very long time, and it makes me sad.

I will never see the farm again, and we will never go on another picnic, and we will never push each other on the swing again, and I will never again worry when the bushes rustle. You will never again look at me with that cute face, the one where I know exactly what you want even though you don't say a word. We will never sit that close again, the kind of close where our bodies fit perfectly together, and talk about life. I could ask you anything. My phone will never ring and end our moment again. And I will never have that feeling again, the one where I'm warm and happy and complete and loved.

"My reasons were so clear two months ago..."

"And why aren't they anymore?"

"Because I realized what I'm losing."

It's not right that you can do this to me.

in my fashion

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life anyway? We're born, we live a little, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that." -Charlotte's Web

Buckle under pressure

Jenny's hand is hanging right next to me

and creeping me out.

I love Madonna.

I hate that I procrastinate

I hate that I love to stay up late.

Hi Suzanne!

I hear insomnia isn't a choice, but I think I decided to become an insomniac a long time ago.

Somehow you remain

I want to pretend that it is still November

so I don't have to be brave

and I am not making mistakes

I'm tripping, and hitting my head, and spilling,

and I know its all because

none of this is right,

and blame myself for bringing it up in the first place.

I hope no one in Honduras minds that I'm going to cry when I read his letters.

PostSecret

The fact that people write and send these

makes me wonder

just how many people there are out there in the world

who are exactly like me.

I wish I had something worth sending,

and I wish I had the guts to send it.

Fly

Wait, who are you,

I don't know you,

and you're assuming way too much.

I'm not like this,

I'm not ready,

I think I'm still in love.

Please slow down,

please hold up,

I wish I knew what to say,

but my words aren't spilling out,

like they do most days.

4th period

this didn't start

like this

I didn't mean

for this

I was afraid

of this.

I'm so sorry

for this.

Danny Boy

grandpas sweater and

vanilla latte goes to

tracy chapman and

browsing the radio

goes to gas station stops and

talking about life goes to

talking about grandpa and

not wanting to go to sleep goes to

slowly realizing that nights like this are

rare and don't last but they go to

good memories

I love you daddy.