lists

I have absolutely no idea what I want.

seniors

This year is about: staying calm, believing in myself, learning, being independent, having fun, being trustworthy, listening, helping others, inspiring, loving what I'm doing, living life.

Because I can.

help

Common App: "What 5 words best describe you?"

a lot to teach, but even more to learn.

In order of goodbyes:

A. “It is true you never know how things will turn out…we managed to make more drama in 3 weeks than most people did all summer!” The most amazing part, is that no matter what people said, we were still friends. You taught me trust, loyalty, forgiveness. You are sweet beyond belief, and fragile yet strong. I saw so many pieces of myself in you, yet we were different. I love the paradoxes, and above all, that we weren’t supposed to be friends…but in the end, I love that it didn’t matter.

B. “I wish things had turned out differently.” You frustrated me to no end, somehow dragged me into tons of dramatic situations that I could have avoided if I didn’t care about you, and I still am unsure why I put up with you. I guess I’ll never know if what you said to Sam was true, that I’m the one who mattered. But through all of the ambiguities, you made me laugh, and you kept me on my toes, and I appreciate that. You are extremely intelligent and witty; please don’t waste it. And I still wonder if someday, the timing will be better…

C. “…Also, I’m glad you were crazy too…we were meant to be roommates!....I am going to be honest, you’re the only person I will miss because you were really my only friend here.” You were intimidating, and definitely crazy like you said. But you made things fun, and you gave me purpose. You worried me to no end, but you were an amazing listener whenever I had my own stories to pour out. I trusted you more than anyone else this summer. Please don’t lose your spark.

D. I have no quote from you, seeing as I never got the letter you promised. It would be easy to say that you were a disappointment (only a week?), but in the end, I think that it would be a lie. We came out strong, but just as I was expecting from the beginning, it didn’t last. I feel guilty for the harsh way that I acted around you in the last few weeks, but at the same time, you are one of the most exasperating people I have ever met. You love to talk about yourself, and as interesting as you may be, I cannot stand it. For all this, I still count you as being one of the most important people I met this summer: you challenged everything I hold closest, and you made me think…something that I can never discount.

reflection.

What did I say? It fit so well. I hate how I can still express myself the best to you, after so long.

"First, I've been able to exercise a ton, which has been amazing. That probably sounds kinda funny, but its more than just being in better shape...I've barely been stressed out all summer. Second, I've read so much. For both of my classes all of the homework is either reading or writing papers, which is so perfect for me. Also, I've gotten to spend a lot of time alone, which obviously sounds kind of pathetic, but its nice. There's no one here who I totally 'click' with, which ironically I really like...and I know that is so not me, since I like to have really close friends, but I think its what I needed. I needed time where I had to deal with everything myself, and I didn't have a guy or a best friend there to dump everything on, you know? I've gotten to know myself a lot better, in a way."

No revelations, no huge self-discovery. I don't really know if I have the capability for that...or maybe its just so cheesy that I've convinced myself I never want that to happen. But I feel more in control.

"I guess all I can say is that I am really glad that I had this summer."

the itch to fly

the thing about being away, about being here, is that I can be who I want to be, and for awhile, no one knows. Part of who I am is myself, its a weird concept to think about, I know...that I could be myself, but be someone else.

I'm not as strong as I seem to be, I do love to be by myself but I need to know that I can come in and cry on the shoulder of my friends when I can't take it by myself. I need it to be ok for me to be strong, but ok for me to be weak as well. I don't want to be too attached, and I don't like it when people hang around all the time, but I have to know that during the bad times, someone will be there no matter what.

And the thing is, there aren't REALLY "bad times"... they're the weird times, the moody times, when I can't always explain why, but something inside me doesn't feel right, something feels sick and out of place.

And for the other times, I need people to be upfront with me. When something happens, I need you to tell me...were you ever going to tell me? And when you texted me and said you needed to talk, where does that fit into the story? Was that before? After? There's this stupid part of me that needs to know. And I hate it, I hate this curiosity...

But I guess it keeps things 'interesting', doesn't it? And you can't complain about that.

space to think

I'm realizing the fine line between:

independence, friendship, responsibility,

dependability, trust, loyalty,

knowing yourself,

observing,

silence,

peace,

love,

and wrecking any or all of these in so short an amount of time.