even though...

I look back over everything I wrote in the past 6 months, and over and over again, I told myself to go home.

[2/26]: I have been blaming this feeling on New York, but maybe that's unfair. This emptiness in my chest, when it feels like all the warmth is gone. Like nothing is sitting right. I can feel the knot in the bottom of my throat; my emotions sit right there, with no layer to protect them.

I grasp for easy coping mechanisms...I scroll through other people's thoughts and pictures, looking for something that feels right. I call people I love, hoping it will be *that* conversation where we connect. I have started reading again, but that's risky. Sometimes books wrap me up, and other times books strip me down and disclose my fears. It hit me today as I scrolled that I wasn't just looking - I was looking FOR something. I was looking for a quote or a picture or an experience that made me feel less alone. It's why coming home to Nala is the best part of my day. Her eyes love me without requirements. But then I take her outside, and she's cold and scared, and the knot rises and exposes again.

This city makes me feel more. This city exhausts me. This city forces me to be brave, it forces me to care so much. But I haven't found the right things to soften the experience.

"Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough."

And that's the thing - it's about softening the experience. It's not about forcing it to work, about putting one foot in front of the other, about doing what I said I would do. It's about joy and love and healing and all the other cliche sounding healthy wholesome feelings.