11:11 pt. III

"She told me she met the love of her life," Zohra says at last, still staring out the window. "You read poems about it, you hear stories about it, you hear Sicilians talk about being struck by lightning. We know there's no love of your life. Love isn't terrifying like that. It's walking the fucking dog so the other one can sleep in, it's doing taxes, it's cleaning the bathroom without hard feelings. It's having an ally in life. It's not fire, it's not lightning. It's what she always had with me. Isn't it? But what if she's right, Arthur? What if the Sicilians are right? That it's this earth-shattering thing she felt? Something I've never felt. Have you?"

Less begins to breath unevenly.

She turns to him: "What if one day you meet someone, Arthur, and it feels like it could never be anyone else? Not because other people are less attractive, or drink too much, or have issues in bed, or have to alphabetize every fucking book or organize the dishwasher in some way you just can't live with. It's because they aren't this person. This woman Janet met. Maybe you can go through your whole life and never meet them, and think love is all these other things, but if you do meet them, God help you! Because then: ka-blam! You're screwed. The way Janet is. She ruined our life for it! But what if that's real?"

---

"What is love Arthur? What is it?" she asks him. "Is it the good dear thing I had with Janet for eight years? Is it the good dear thing? Or is it the lightning bolt?"

---

"You want me to stay with you here forever?"

"Last Turn"

Is there a word for the feeling when you look back and you realize that things would have been so different if you were then who you are now? It's more complicated than regret - the heaviness and unfairness of regret is there, but it's balanced with joy that you came this far, and hope that things can only get better if you keep getting better. There's guilt, too - why didn't I figure this out before now? What pain could I have saved? And peace. Peace because I feel like I'm finally making it better.

"Mr Shaver had, in fact, been aware of the upcoming nuptials. The only note he left behind was inside a blue envelope addressed to Ms. Ryan and her husband and placed on the dining room table.

It offered no insight into the end of the Shavers' time together, only a simple wish from a man who had come to know what must be cherished.

'May you both have many years of happiness,' it read. 'May life be good to you.'"

11:11 pt. II

"In every relationship, there are request moments, which seem small (did you like my haircut? I rearranged the Tupperware drawer. This is your hair I cleaned out of the shower...) but are in face little moments of longing (do you desire me? do you appreciate me? do you care for me too?) They can be hard to see, or tiring to address, or even seem like nothing, but in the long run of love, leaning into rather than away from or not noticing, these request moments is essential. It's a brick by brick life of active attention: I hear you, I love you, I see you."

"Tell me, my love: Why did I have cancer three times? How did we have two children with autism? Why has nothing turned out as planned? Then again: How are your same 10 jokes still funny? Why does your morning coffee still taste the best? Why, after 22 years together, does my heart still flutter when you walk in the room? How did I get so lucky to have your love?"

"Here's the things about marriage. We commit to sticking together for richer or poorer, through sickness and health and during good times and bad, assuming that the tough times are the stress test. But what if it's the opposite? What if the hard times bring out our best and make us focus on what's important, while the danger zone is when we grow so complacent that we can afford to obsess over a neglected shirt for eight months?"

"Love is honoring another person as their own whole being and not projecting your need to fix/save/rescue onto them. [...] Love is knowing it isn't a fairy tale, a happy ending, or a romance novel."

"Write letters. Be honest in them. We write every time we are apart, and a few times a month when we are together. As an older ranger told me before my wedding, 'start every day saying I love you, then spend the rest of the day trying to prove it.'"

December

1. Maybe I don't shed compliments because "I am humble". Maybe I push back on the giver to test them. Will they dig their heels in and insist that I am wonderful? Or will they step back and let me say yes, everyone is special, and I'm just another face in the crowd.

"I have quite the reputation to live up to now."
"It's just who you are so I wouldn't stress too much."

2. Feelings aren't facts. This is really hard for me.

3. Be more interested in understanding people than being understood.

4. "A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings."  / "Real maturity in a relationship is letting your partner know when your mind feels heavy/turbulent before your thoughts find a way to make a story that blames your tension on them; naming it allows you to know that it is there and your partner to know that it is time to support you/hold space."

Where is the line between finding someone to lean on, but not leaning on them "too much"?