"Last Turn"

Is there a word for the feeling when you look back and you realize that things would have been so different if you were then who you are now? It's more complicated than regret - the heaviness and unfairness of regret is there, but it's balanced with joy that you came this far, and hope that things can only get better if you keep getting better. There's guilt, too - why didn't I figure this out before now? What pain could I have saved? And peace. Peace because I feel like I'm finally making it better.

"Mr Shaver had, in fact, been aware of the upcoming nuptials. The only note he left behind was inside a blue envelope addressed to Ms. Ryan and her husband and placed on the dining room table.

It offered no insight into the end of the Shavers' time together, only a simple wish from a man who had come to know what must be cherished.

'May you both have many years of happiness,' it read. 'May life be good to you.'"

11:11 pt. II

"In every relationship, there are request moments, which seem small (did you like my haircut? I rearranged the Tupperware drawer. This is your hair I cleaned out of the shower...) but are in face little moments of longing (do you desire me? do you appreciate me? do you care for me too?) They can be hard to see, or tiring to address, or even seem like nothing, but in the long run of love, leaning into rather than away from or not noticing, these request moments is essential. It's a brick by brick life of active attention: I hear you, I love you, I see you."

"Tell me, my love: Why did I have cancer three times? How did we have two children with autism? Why has nothing turned out as planned? Then again: How are your same 10 jokes still funny? Why does your morning coffee still taste the best? Why, after 22 years together, does my heart still flutter when you walk in the room? How did I get so lucky to have your love?"

"Here's the things about marriage. We commit to sticking together for richer or poorer, through sickness and health and during good times and bad, assuming that the tough times are the stress test. But what if it's the opposite? What if the hard times bring out our best and make us focus on what's important, while the danger zone is when we grow so complacent that we can afford to obsess over a neglected shirt for eight months?"

"Love is honoring another person as their own whole being and not projecting your need to fix/save/rescue onto them. [...] Love is knowing it isn't a fairy tale, a happy ending, or a romance novel."

"Write letters. Be honest in them. We write every time we are apart, and a few times a month when we are together. As an older ranger told me before my wedding, 'start every day saying I love you, then spend the rest of the day trying to prove it.'"

December

1. Maybe I don't shed compliments because "I am humble". Maybe I push back on the giver to test them. Will they dig their heels in and insist that I am wonderful? Or will they step back and let me say yes, everyone is special, and I'm just another face in the crowd.

"I have quite the reputation to live up to now."
"It's just who you are so I wouldn't stress too much."

2. Feelings aren't facts. This is really hard for me.

3. Be more interested in understanding people than being understood.

4. "A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings."  / "Real maturity in a relationship is letting your partner know when your mind feels heavy/turbulent before your thoughts find a way to make a story that blames your tension on them; naming it allows you to know that it is there and your partner to know that it is time to support you/hold space."

Where is the line between finding someone to lean on, but not leaning on them "too much"?

Unfinished/11:11

Have I loved well? I have loved often, and responsibly, and tenderly, and steadily. I have supported, and thought of, and worried about. I have moved in, I have traveled hand in hand, I have cried and laughed and written love letters and celebrated anniversaries. I have done all these things more than most people my age, I think.

Have I ever fallen deeply and madly? Have I ever let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? And...will I ever be able to answer that question? How do you know how badly your heart can be broken if you don't have anything to compare it to.

Poor you, they roll their eyes. Poor girl who wonders if she has ever been shattered. I have cried, and I have been lonely. I have felt those things while in relationships. Does that make them different? No matter what title you put on it, they are relational (or not) feelings. Or they are feelings that happen because of what is inside of you, and it doesn't matter whether or not you have another person - you insulate yourself or you don't, you let yourself be brave or you don't.

I am working on walking into rooms on my own. I like to follow behind my partner. I like people to introduce me, rather than having to do it myself. I am working on loving without looking for validation. I am working on finding confidence within myself and seeing others in a human way when I put love out and don't receive it back in the way I was hoping to.

Should I strive to let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? Is loving without thought or without reservation the goal? The goal...like there is one goal. Like we all want the same love, like we all define love the same way.

Love is when you care about someone more than their "things" bother you. Or love shouldn't be defined by pros and cons. Or...

country love songs

"What are you doing?"
"Thinking."

"So many things," I said when he asked what I was thinking about.

"Do you ever stop thinking?"
"Not really."

But what if instead of thinking, I called it dreaming? Why does it have to have a point or a backbone? I'm not thinking...I'm letting my heart float out and feel the space around me.

moonrise

I wonder how other people pray.

Do you ask for things - a list of what you need?
Do you listen - quietly waiting to be told what to do, what to think, what comes next?
Do you vent?
Do you complain?
Do you share what you're grateful for?

And does it matter, what other people do? Isn't it more important what I do...what fits for me? And maybe it's not the same every time.

And what is praying, really? Is it praying when we call a friend? Is it only praying if you're kneeling with folded hands? When I run and let my mind free, is that praying? When I sit in the car after a long day and feel the sun pouring down on me and I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts? When I stand by the water and breath in so deeply that I can feel my heart change...

brain drain 9/20/2019

The impulse to do “good” / to make the world “better”. Heavy on the quotes because I understand that I need to view these words critically, but I don't have a good enough understanding to say them any other way. Teaching as a “philanthropic vocation or romantic calling,” "schools as secular churches,” things that make my skin crawl because they feel wrong, but also because I'm not different.

I allow the myth that I know exactly what I want to persist. I thrive on being seen as driven, passionate, purposeful. I want the gold star that people give me with their eyes when I say I'm a teacher. "We need more people like you." It's not why I do what I do, but it matters to me. Is that wrong?

Selfless/selfish

If we see ourselves a certain way, that encourages others to see us that way. If we question that, is it wrong to want people to still see us that way? Should my flaws be public, to be more human? Or should I hide them, because by putting them out into the world I burden others with complications?

“This notion of giving voice to the voiceless - that’s, to me, very flawed. They’ve always been talking. No one’s been listening.” - America Ferrera