11:11 pt. III

"She told me she met the love of her life," Zohra says at last, still staring out the window. "You read poems about it, you hear stories about it, you hear Sicilians talk about being struck by lightning. We know there's no love of your life. Love isn't terrifying like that. It's walking the fucking dog so the other one can sleep in, it's doing taxes, it's cleaning the bathroom without hard feelings. It's having an ally in life. It's not fire, it's not lightning. It's what she always had with me. Isn't it? But what if she's right, Arthur? What if the Sicilians are right? That it's this earth-shattering thing she felt? Something I've never felt. Have you?"

Less begins to breath unevenly.

She turns to him: "What if one day you meet someone, Arthur, and it feels like it could never be anyone else? Not because other people are less attractive, or drink too much, or have issues in bed, or have to alphabetize every fucking book or organize the dishwasher in some way you just can't live with. It's because they aren't this person. This woman Janet met. Maybe you can go through your whole life and never meet them, and think love is all these other things, but if you do meet them, God help you! Because then: ka-blam! You're screwed. The way Janet is. She ruined our life for it! But what if that's real?"

---

"What is love Arthur? What is it?" she asks him. "Is it the good dear thing I had with Janet for eight years? Is it the good dear thing? Or is it the lightning bolt?"

---

"You want me to stay with you here forever?"

"Last Turn"

Is there a word for the feeling when you look back and you realize that things would have been so different if you were then who you are now? It's more complicated than regret - the heaviness and unfairness of regret is there, but it's balanced with joy that you came this far, and hope that things can only get better if you keep getting better. There's guilt, too - why didn't I figure this out before now? What pain could I have saved? And peace. Peace because I feel like I'm finally making it better.

"Mr Shaver had, in fact, been aware of the upcoming nuptials. The only note he left behind was inside a blue envelope addressed to Ms. Ryan and her husband and placed on the dining room table.

It offered no insight into the end of the Shavers' time together, only a simple wish from a man who had come to know what must be cherished.

'May you both have many years of happiness,' it read. 'May life be good to you.'"

11:11 pt. II

"In every relationship, there are request moments, which seem small (did you like my haircut? I rearranged the Tupperware drawer. This is your hair I cleaned out of the shower...) but are in face little moments of longing (do you desire me? do you appreciate me? do you care for me too?) They can be hard to see, or tiring to address, or even seem like nothing, but in the long run of love, leaning into rather than away from or not noticing, these request moments is essential. It's a brick by brick life of active attention: I hear you, I love you, I see you."

"Tell me, my love: Why did I have cancer three times? How did we have two children with autism? Why has nothing turned out as planned? Then again: How are your same 10 jokes still funny? Why does your morning coffee still taste the best? Why, after 22 years together, does my heart still flutter when you walk in the room? How did I get so lucky to have your love?"

"Here's the things about marriage. We commit to sticking together for richer or poorer, through sickness and health and during good times and bad, assuming that the tough times are the stress test. But what if it's the opposite? What if the hard times bring out our best and make us focus on what's important, while the danger zone is when we grow so complacent that we can afford to obsess over a neglected shirt for eight months?"

"Love is honoring another person as their own whole being and not projecting your need to fix/save/rescue onto them. [...] Love is knowing it isn't a fairy tale, a happy ending, or a romance novel."

"Write letters. Be honest in them. We write every time we are apart, and a few times a month when we are together. As an older ranger told me before my wedding, 'start every day saying I love you, then spend the rest of the day trying to prove it.'"

December

1. Maybe I don't shed compliments because "I am humble". Maybe I push back on the giver to test them. Will they dig their heels in and insist that I am wonderful? Or will they step back and let me say yes, everyone is special, and I'm just another face in the crowd.

"I have quite the reputation to live up to now."
"It's just who you are so I wouldn't stress too much."

2. Feelings aren't facts. This is really hard for me.

3. Be more interested in understanding people than being understood.

4. "A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings."  / "Real maturity in a relationship is letting your partner know when your mind feels heavy/turbulent before your thoughts find a way to make a story that blames your tension on them; naming it allows you to know that it is there and your partner to know that it is time to support you/hold space."

Where is the line between finding someone to lean on, but not leaning on them "too much"?

Unfinished/11:11

Have I loved well? I have loved often, and responsibly, and tenderly, and steadily. I have supported, and thought of, and worried about. I have moved in, I have traveled hand in hand, I have cried and laughed and written love letters and celebrated anniversaries. I have done all these things more than most people my age, I think.

Have I ever fallen deeply and madly? Have I ever let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? And...will I ever be able to answer that question? How do you know how badly your heart can be broken if you don't have anything to compare it to.

Poor you, they roll their eyes. Poor girl who wonders if she has ever been shattered. I have cried, and I have been lonely. I have felt those things while in relationships. Does that make them different? No matter what title you put on it, they are relational (or not) feelings. Or they are feelings that happen because of what is inside of you, and it doesn't matter whether or not you have another person - you insulate yourself or you don't, you let yourself be brave or you don't.

I am working on walking into rooms on my own. I like to follow behind my partner. I like people to introduce me, rather than having to do it myself. I am working on loving without looking for validation. I am working on finding confidence within myself and seeing others in a human way when I put love out and don't receive it back in the way I was hoping to.

Should I strive to let my walls down far enough that I could be devastated? Is loving without thought or without reservation the goal? The goal...like there is one goal. Like we all want the same love, like we all define love the same way.

Love is when you care about someone more than their "things" bother you. Or love shouldn't be defined by pros and cons. Or...

country love songs

"What are you doing?"
"Thinking."

"So many things," I said when he asked what I was thinking about.

"Do you ever stop thinking?"
"Not really."

But what if instead of thinking, I called it dreaming? Why does it have to have a point or a backbone? I'm not thinking...I'm letting my heart float out and feel the space around me.

moonrise

I wonder how other people pray.

Do you ask for things - a list of what you need?
Do you listen - quietly waiting to be told what to do, what to think, what comes next?
Do you vent?
Do you complain?
Do you share what you're grateful for?

And does it matter, what other people do? Isn't it more important what I do...what fits for me? And maybe it's not the same every time.

And what is praying, really? Is it praying when we call a friend? Is it only praying if you're kneeling with folded hands? When I run and let my mind free, is that praying? When I sit in the car after a long day and feel the sun pouring down on me and I close my eyes and listen to my thoughts? When I stand by the water and breath in so deeply that I can feel my heart change...