unique

2010

1. Enjoy the last few months with my family.

2. Don't lose touch with friends.

3. STOP texting while driving.

4. Cut my complaining in half.

5. Keep track of my bank accounts.

college

"I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to move on when the one you love walks away from you. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing"
- Neil Gaiman

I can't.

breathe me

they're gona wana know how we got in here, and they're gona wana know how we plan to get out

stand up for yourself

two sided stories

live through this, and don't look back...

retreat

I meant what I said;

I am deathly afraid that I always care more.

tonight

I just realized...my life hasn't even really started yet. I'm worried that when it does, and I can no longer say "its just because we're teenagers" or "it will be different when we're older" that I won't know what to do. What if I've already done all that I can? What if it doesn't get better than what I've already had? I'm afraid. But I can't say I'm not excited to find out.

flat

sometimes, all I can think about is the myth that she told us. sometimes, I just sit and yearn for that completion, that other half, that was "separated when the gods got jealous". sometimes, I miss that feeling.

sometimes, I'm really happy with where I am, and proud to stand alone. sometimes, I spend hours reading and thinking, and they're all mine, and I don't have to worry about anyone else.

sometimes, I just don't know.

I'm learning to be ok with that.

perspective

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

real

Can't you see I'm trying?

absurdity

-exhaustion

-waffles

-make-up work

-thanksgiving

-day by day

-we create our own happiness

-No One Belongs Here More Than You

-apologies. so many apologies.

-missing. longing.

-100%?

-applying through life (summer jobs)

-massages

-nose piercings

-Daisy Miller

-Dec 15

-reunions (oregon part 2?)

It's all about how you approach the situation.

extrañar

I'm sick of convincing myself that anything could be a sign, I'm sick of seeing things and thinking that it could mean something. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just believe too much, or in the wrong people, in the wrong things.

I'm trying to be as upbeat as I can here. Just give me a few days, I'll find it in myself.

waiting

Dear Austin,

I don't know where to start. I don't know what's useful, and what is ridiculous. I could say so many things:

I could say that I'm sad I didn't know you better. Because I am...you clearly had a huge impact on everyone around you. Reading the things that people wrote about you (and still are) is breathtaking, and I almost always end up crying. I clearly missed out. But is it worth it for me to say that now? Is it worth it to dwell on the past? "I should have been better friends with you...I'm kicking myself now" just doesn't seem right. If he wasn't dead, I wouldn't be saying that. But he is...

I could say that I'm sorry. Somewhere, somehow, something failed. Why did that even seem like an option? What makes things like that seem like a good way out? What was so awful about this world, anyway? I am sorry that I didn't make it better. I'm sorry that I didn't make you want to stick around. Why didn't I reach out?

I guess the truth is, though, that all I really can do is to look forward. I don't want to use the clichéd words that I always do, but I don't know how else to put it. This is a huge loss, a shock, a tragedy, and I didn't even know you very well. I know that focusing on that will get me nowhere though, so instead I am trying to keep going.

Still, you're in the back of my mind every step of the way. When I get in a fight with my sister, when I'm in a meeting and my patience is at its end, or when I just really don't want to take the time to be nice to someone who is getting on my nerves, now I always hear your name coming from somewhere deep inside of me, and I take a deep breath, and try my best to think of what everyone tells me you would have done. I never again want to let anyone else around me feel as lost or as pained as you must have.

It sounds so strange to say it, but thank you. Thank you for making me think twice, and thank you for opening my eyes a little bit more, so maybe I'll see a few more things around me. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile at people when I pass them during school, and thank you for forcing me to hug everyone I love a few more times than usual in the past few days.

I'm doing my best, and for some reason, I feel like I've gotten another chance, as much as I don't deserve it.

You will never be forgotten.

Rest in Peace.

grieving

"Saints are not perfect. And you don't become a saint by trying to do what God made someone else to do. You become a saint by being the best of what God made you to be."

six - reasoning.

"You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me."

> classes

I need to learn how to be my own best friend.

I need to learn how to relax myself.

I need to learn how to keep on smiling.

I need to learn how to do things right away, instead of putting them off.

I need to learn how to be patient.

I need to learn how to be fun.

I need to learn how to...

slowly...I am.

winter just wasn't my season.

competition that doesn't exist/it's driving me crazy.

consuming me, why do I care so much about this?

I write only for myself now, and I live for so few.

Now that I'm happy, I'm so close to being alone.

I'm my own 'group' so to speak, and I'm ok with that.

a thought

"I just thought, you know, every day is the last day of 'this day' at this school. Like, today is the LAST last day of first quarter. Or today is the LAST last day before winter break. Because then you leave..."

...and you can't go back.

I'm already there.

"Todo estaba como siempre, pero nada era igual."

I keep remembering one afternoon: we were walking and I was extremely flustered. I was jealous, upset, worried, lonely... And I started crying, but I didn't know why.

You made me smile.

I miss my friend.

be ok.

I just want to read. for days and days and days. I want to escape into another world, and then when I want to put my book down I want to sleep. I want to be able to collage for hours. I want to walk along the beach for miles and miles just feeling all the space above me and around me.

I want to be on your couch, and I want to feel safe and comfortable, listening to the guitar and knowing.

I want to go back to years ago, and I want to feel what it was like. I want to be able to stop questioning myself. I want to KNOW again. I want to be sure again, of who I am and where I am and where I'm going. I want to be that one watching the fireworks who can whisper "Happy one year. I love you." Instead of being the one standing next to them.

I want to be independent and I want to be myself, I want to have time to better myself, and I want to be free. I want to be standing on top of the hill at Stanford in the sun, looking out on everything and just seeing inside, my mind going a hundred miles an hour. I want to find my place and myself in this world, and I want to do it alone.

-mind vs. heart.

vantage points

"Life is Niagara, or nothing." - Mary Oliver, Blue Pastures

visitors

Sybil

"And my parting to you is that you always promise yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind

To talk health happiness and prosperity to everyone you meet

To make all your friends feel that there is something great in the

To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true

To think only of the best, to work for the best, and to expect only the best

To be as enthusiastic about success of others are you are about your own

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievement of tomorrow

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature a smile

To give so much time to the improvement or yourself that you have no time to criticize others

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds

To live in faith, the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is you."

Trevor Hall

"and just maybe, tonight, you wished for something similar..."

What am I doing?

NOW

and I believe in the miracles,

I believe in the spiritual,

I believe in the one above,

I believe in the one I love.

-michael franti

The Way I See It #186:

The world is smaller than you think,

and the people on it are more beautiful than you think.

-Bertram van Munster

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, did I mention I don't know what I'm doing?

postsecret 9/13/09

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. -T. S. Eliot

Shout out

I will make it through this, through everything. Keep piling it higher and deeper, I dare you.

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

lonely

I feel like all of my time and energy is being put into trying to make this school better, and the most ironic part is that no one who goes there gives a shit about me.

lists 2

journalism: "All of us who professionally use the mass media are the shapers of society. We can vulgarize that society. We can brutalize it. Or we can help lift it onto a higher level." -William Bernbach

social science: made up of the sub-groups Anthropology, Economics, Education, Geography, History, Law, Linguistics, Political Science, Psychology, Social Work, and Sociology.

anthropology: the study of human beings, everywhere and throughout time.

cultural anthropology (wiki): One of the earliest articulations of ... "culture" came from Sir Edward Tylor who write on the first page of his 1897 book: "Culture, or civilization, taken in its broad, ethnographic sense, is that complex whole which includes knowledge, belief, art, morals, law, custom, and any other capabilities and habits acquired by man as a member of society."

sociology(wiki): a broad discipline in terms of both methodology and subject matter. Its traditional focuses have included social relations, social stratification, social interaction, religion, culture, and deviance, and its approaches have included both qualitative and quantitative research techniques.

english: "I want to do something splendid, something heroic or wonderful that won't be forgotten after I'm dead. I think I shall write books." -Louisa May Alcott

Why isn't there a major that says: change the people around you. Make people happy, make your community positive. encourage people to do what they want, talk to people until they feel better. care. spread thoughts and words and quotes and suggestions and advice little by little. why can't a major say, 'it's the little things' or 'it all starts with you' or even 'go out there and just do it'. these are the things I want to learn.

Or maybe I'm getting a little carried away. maybe all I really want is for someone, somewhere to tell me that I can study how to be a good person, and how to make people smile.

lists

I have absolutely no idea what I want.

seniors

This year is about: staying calm, believing in myself, learning, being independent, having fun, being trustworthy, listening, helping others, inspiring, loving what I'm doing, living life.

Because I can.

help

Common App: "What 5 words best describe you?"

a lot to teach, but even more to learn.

In order of goodbyes:

A. “It is true you never know how things will turn out…we managed to make more drama in 3 weeks than most people did all summer!” The most amazing part, is that no matter what people said, we were still friends. You taught me trust, loyalty, forgiveness. You are sweet beyond belief, and fragile yet strong. I saw so many pieces of myself in you, yet we were different. I love the paradoxes, and above all, that we weren’t supposed to be friends…but in the end, I love that it didn’t matter.

B. “I wish things had turned out differently.” You frustrated me to no end, somehow dragged me into tons of dramatic situations that I could have avoided if I didn’t care about you, and I still am unsure why I put up with you. I guess I’ll never know if what you said to Sam was true, that I’m the one who mattered. But through all of the ambiguities, you made me laugh, and you kept me on my toes, and I appreciate that. You are extremely intelligent and witty; please don’t waste it. And I still wonder if someday, the timing will be better…

C. “…Also, I’m glad you were crazy too…we were meant to be roommates!....I am going to be honest, you’re the only person I will miss because you were really my only friend here.” You were intimidating, and definitely crazy like you said. But you made things fun, and you gave me purpose. You worried me to no end, but you were an amazing listener whenever I had my own stories to pour out. I trusted you more than anyone else this summer. Please don’t lose your spark.

D. I have no quote from you, seeing as I never got the letter you promised. It would be easy to say that you were a disappointment (only a week?), but in the end, I think that it would be a lie. We came out strong, but just as I was expecting from the beginning, it didn’t last. I feel guilty for the harsh way that I acted around you in the last few weeks, but at the same time, you are one of the most exasperating people I have ever met. You love to talk about yourself, and as interesting as you may be, I cannot stand it. For all this, I still count you as being one of the most important people I met this summer: you challenged everything I hold closest, and you made me think…something that I can never discount.

reflection.

What did I say? It fit so well. I hate how I can still express myself the best to you, after so long.

"First, I've been able to exercise a ton, which has been amazing. That probably sounds kinda funny, but its more than just being in better shape...I've barely been stressed out all summer. Second, I've read so much. For both of my classes all of the homework is either reading or writing papers, which is so perfect for me. Also, I've gotten to spend a lot of time alone, which obviously sounds kind of pathetic, but its nice. There's no one here who I totally 'click' with, which ironically I really like...and I know that is so not me, since I like to have really close friends, but I think its what I needed. I needed time where I had to deal with everything myself, and I didn't have a guy or a best friend there to dump everything on, you know? I've gotten to know myself a lot better, in a way."

No revelations, no huge self-discovery. I don't really know if I have the capability for that...or maybe its just so cheesy that I've convinced myself I never want that to happen. But I feel more in control.

"I guess all I can say is that I am really glad that I had this summer."

the itch to fly

the thing about being away, about being here, is that I can be who I want to be, and for awhile, no one knows. Part of who I am is myself, its a weird concept to think about, I know...that I could be myself, but be someone else.

I'm not as strong as I seem to be, I do love to be by myself but I need to know that I can come in and cry on the shoulder of my friends when I can't take it by myself. I need it to be ok for me to be strong, but ok for me to be weak as well. I don't want to be too attached, and I don't like it when people hang around all the time, but I have to know that during the bad times, someone will be there no matter what.

And the thing is, there aren't REALLY "bad times"... they're the weird times, the moody times, when I can't always explain why, but something inside me doesn't feel right, something feels sick and out of place.

And for the other times, I need people to be upfront with me. When something happens, I need you to tell me...were you ever going to tell me? And when you texted me and said you needed to talk, where does that fit into the story? Was that before? After? There's this stupid part of me that needs to know. And I hate it, I hate this curiosity...

But I guess it keeps things 'interesting', doesn't it? And you can't complain about that.

space to think

I'm realizing the fine line between:

independence, friendship, responsibility,

dependability, trust, loyalty,

knowing yourself,

observing,

silence,

peace,

love,

and wrecking any or all of these in so short an amount of time.

faith

elephant under the carpet

p.s. I thought I saw something different and special in you;

I guess you learn something new every day.

Jot, 7/13

when you think you know everything is when you should be realizing that really, you know nothing at all.

by my side

"It's like the wind...I can't see it, but I can feel it."

I know.

The worst is when you pour your heart out, and there's no response.

siempre sigue asi

"Smile, whats the use of crying

you'll find that life is still worthwhile

if you just smile."

wdydwyd II

here

I should be happy. I feel sick...

I'm sick of the fact that I'm the only one who is happy,

when I have no right to be.

runnin' just to be on the run

I've never felt so placidly unsure before, so confused about who I am and what I want, so ok with that, so empty, but having such an amazing time. It's 3:45am, I just watched a "tough guy" cry, I know someone who almost killed themself a few days ago, I have lost so many people, I have gained so many people. Taking stock is impossible, so instead I let my mind wander.

"It's that I want to find some thing, some little thing inside of everyone that I can love." Am I needy, is that why I'm always in a relationship? My brain deserves a roadmap, although the twists might confuse people more than just trying to follow. Can I be figured out, and can anyone REALLY be figured out? So many questions I want to ask God, ask the world, ask myself. And some I do, and some I hide, put away for a better time.

But in the end, I want magic. I want a smile that can make other people smile, I want to light up where I am, I want to make other people think. I don't know if I've ever really had that, and maybe I never will. But one at a time, I can talk to people, I can ask questions, I can make them rack their brain. Don't say "it's no big deal," because it is. Don't say "it's fun," because thats an escape, thats not what matters.

Eventually, I know that I'll find out who matters, and I'll find out who I miss. I'm to afraid to be lonely right now, too many other people are. I have convinced myself that I am the listener, and I just keep wanting to go back...back to being the one who knows what to say. It might be like keeping a wave on the shore, and who knows what will happen then. But for now, I want to make the people around me smile. I want to make them happy, and free like I'm telling myself I am.

The rest comes later, the realization that there are people at home for me too. People who mean so much to me...so much that I'm afraid to put my finger on it.

But for now, shine. Listen, question, learn, and try know what to say. Smile.

fallen down

nothing I say seems to matter,

primus inter pares

so many different ways to live, to love, to see beauty. how could any one be more important than another?

lagunita

My heart can't feel anymore, but my smile tells me that this summer is special.

"I wish we could meet"

beautiful, relaxing, alive,

awkward, nervous, alone,

smart, sweet, eclectic,

so different than everything I expected, so the same,

keep looking forward, don't drop behind.

but think...

the lucky ones

we're all in the same place, and that makes me sure that we'll all help each other get out. I miss everyone, but I'm independent. This summer is right, this summer is going to work out, like corralitos road 3 years ago. 

Starting last tuesday, I started collaging again, and I started talking again, and I started thinking again, and I'm ready.

I'm surrounded by people I love, and I pushed them away enough already, I can't let them go. next year is our last, and I won't let it be like this year...I promise.

Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story....

.....Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

jot

a.. I hate when you know you're the only one left out, and no one else will tell you why.

b.. you can't say things like that to me, because you think they don't matter, and that I don't apply them to myself...but I do. your "best day ever" means that I wasn't good enough.

c.. Today, I realized that I am terrible at having closure.

Today, I realized that I have become a pro at running away from things.

Today, I had a very long day, and its only 6:00.

d.. its funny...these are so sad. and I am so happy.

e. 6 weeks > 2 weeks

corners of my mind

collage

home alone

sun

baby blue

your hands

dancing

luck

italy

east cliff

1 year ago

going back

cards I should have made

escape

expecting

...believe it or not, its just me.

rory

Dear World,

I'm not myself right now. I am afraid to put my finger on how I feel. I'm scared to find out that I'm happier than I should be, or that I really do hate myself for everything that I've done. I have had the craziest weekend and the most lazy afternoon. You'd think that I would have been able to work things out in my head, but instead I'm pretending that none of it exists. I wonder if maybe that's healthier for me, being able to stop thinking for awhile, because I really never stop running things over and over through my head.

I'm making you a mix. I'm going to write a letter that goes with it and try to explain to you everything that I haven't been able to explain in the past few days. I know that I've messed up everything, is what it will say. I know that I did this all wrong. But I wish I could say other things too, like why can't you see where I'm coming from? Why can't I make you understand how much I'm killing myself over this, because maybe if you did, you wouldn't hate me so much? And why did you do this to him already, but when its the other way around, suddenly he's a villain. I won't though, because I want to be your friend. More than anything, I want to be your friend.

I know I ruined the end of your senior year, and I'm sorry. More than sorry. I don't want to ruin girls for you for a long time, and I don't want this to be what you think of when you think of graduation. I hate girls who do that, who just do things when its a good time for them and don't think about how much they're hurting the guy. Funny, I think my trend for this year has been turning into things that I hate.

This will be over soon, thats what I keep telling myself. Life keeps going, you know? At least there's someone in my life who keeps telling me that.

treasure

"You just have to let yourself be happy."

I don't remember the last time that I was this completely content.

roll right by me

"you used to have a glow about you, where you were warm with everyone. and I think when you started doing so much, you go into survival mode and don't think about as much."

"so sometimes the things that hurt the most, and seem like the worst options, are the best options down the road"

I missed you. Thank you..

undeclared

I just want us to go, go, go,

drop everything and just go, go, go...

tonight made me sad...as if I wasn't sad enough already.

I have never cried so much in month.

I just want to be friends.

living legends

running through my head:

"Regardless of where the future takes us, we will still all have one commonality; the river and our time together here."

You promised me you wouldn't regret anything.

Crossfaded.

help/

hurting

no....life will not rock after APs, at least not in the way you were implying. I just don't have the heart to tell you that.

"I'm comin' down fast, but don't let me break you."

100 watts

stand by me

It's

not

stress....

It's

really

just

me.

here we come

the end

the sound of loneliness

I would say something, but I know you don't care what I say

so I don't...but I'll blame myself if something happens.

we used to know each other...

now we have set times to talk, and I have a blog that makes you think you know me.

it seems like so long ago.

up all night

"...this is a story about books."

"About books?"

"About accursed books, about the man who wrote them, about a character who broke out of the pages of a novel so that he could burn in, about a betrayal and a lost friendship. It's a story of love, of hatred, and of the dreams that live in the shadow of the wind."

I should call you...

karma

my horoscope for today:

"You need to slow down and cut back your schedule just a bit -- things are getting a little out of hand! Say no a few times just to practice, so you can say it and mean it when the time is right."

down in history

This has been one of the happiest weeks of my entire life.

thank you...I couldn't ask for anything more.

jardín

"When I'm out there at night, I feel close to my own body, I can feel my blood moving, my skin and my fingernails, everything, it's like I'm full of electricity and I'm glowing in the dark--I'm on fire almost--I'm burning away to nothing--but it doesn't matter because I know exactly where I am."

Passion.

"He was a slim, dead, almost dainty young man of about twenty. He lay with one leg bent beneath him, his jaw in his throat, his face neither expressive nor inexpressive. One eye was shut. The other was a star-shaped hole."

Like yesterday.

"You're a shadow. You slip out of your own skin, like molting, shedding your own history and your own future, leaving behind everything you ever were or wanted or believed in."

Running...

thoughts.

When I said I will think about it every day, I believed it. Later, I thought I was being dramatic. Now, I know that it is true.

cumple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0wQLTKr5nY

PS: I hear you (SR).

holden

"It's inspiring to throw caution to the wind, twist the flaps of the red hunting hat just the way I like them, and live life carefree"

40 days

angst is so cliche

sometimes I think I'm so wise

and then I realize

we all think we are...

Realization:

What you want and how much you want it can decide your life almost completely.

growing old II

I wish you weren't so afraid to grow up.

static

everyone is stuck

equilibrium: not sad....but not happy either.

we are all afraid (of each other).

I want to cause a problem, just so things will change.

move....change, move on.

with you I'm fine

"you cannot spell it out, there are no words

mrs johnson never taught me those verbs

on how to give myself, and how to receive,

its something thats inside of you and me."

fake it

sweet dreams

this is my cross

I will bear it

I wish I could make you see that we're going through  the same things,

but you think I know nothing,

I wish you could see that you are going nowhere,

neither of you know the other.

but what scares me the most, is I wonder..

is this what I'll be like?

is this what I'm designed to do?

how many people can you hurt, before you realize,

maybe this isn't the truth.

growing old

you intrigue me

you surprise me

you ignore me

you love me?

you annoy me

you worry me

you make me happy.

words

I have so much to learn.

I wonder who reads this.

we are the world