flowchart 12/2

-symbolic interactionists & a sense of "self" --> isolation --> fellowships --> education: primary & secondary --> research --> connections --> books --> guitar --> 3000 miles --> swamps: specifically dark and inhospitable places in my mind --> compromise --> lights: christmas lights, family, friends.

sometimes I wish my mind would wait for me before it took off running.

shakey

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." -MLK

the big game

"Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved by any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore."

-ray bradbury

closing circle

"sometimes, people are just interested in other people."

someday, I'll answer all your questions.

...if you still want my answers, that is.

"just saying'"

venomous

Its a hole deep inside of me, and it grows. I can feel it eat away at each good thing; it tells me that it doesn't mean anything, or that it isn't real. It tells me that each little thing that makes me happy comes from bad intentions. And then the further I distance myself from the things that I love, the more space I make in my heart for it. Its a knot in my throat, its anger, its the feeling that my heart is surrounded by a spiked fence. Its the knowledge that I'm not only not letting people in, I'm pushing people away. And then I focus on it, and the fact that I'm letting it win only drives the despair further.

It won't win.

I love this life, and I love everything I'm doing. There is nothing to make me sad, and the luck that life has handed me only deserves to be repaid with a smile. This is to remind me...to help me remember that I have been handed so much passion and excitement, and wasting my energy on an indescribable sadness is simply disrespectful to the world and to myself. Its time for the tears to go. It's time to open my eyes and recognize that I have solutions, and that I can fix this.

a new day

brain drain 10/18

"my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room"

distance. a thought, unconsidered. or maybe...considered, and then later unconsidered. like the thought was taken back, erased, ignored for the happiness of being able to express everything. it's almost like we get a new chance at the honeymoon period each time: a year and a half ago, six months ago, a month and a half ago. it's fleeting; that invincible feeling, the idea that we're floating on air and that we can conquer the world. and then I get scared...I'm too attached, I'm not attached enough, you're gone, you're too close. I believe in us, but maybe sometimes, I don't believe in myself. I want to pull away so badly...I've gone too far with relying on you when I feel sad, and now, when I'm uncomfortable and afraid, all I want is to be by myself, to be an individual, to prove that I don't need you. I do need some things though; I need a balance. I need your hugs. I need the little things...the excitement you used to express when you get a text from me, the way you'd surprise me and call between classes, the way you'd always try to find new things to say and do to keep me smiling...and most of all, the feeling that you did all this because you wanted to, not because I was looking for it. maybe its selfish and needy to whine about this, but eventually it starts to feel stale, rehearsed. I've watched relationships drain away, even when people live close by. it needs life, it needs excitement. I've never felt this many emotions about someone before. I've never felt so strongly. Where are you, that enthusiastic, open person I fell in love with? Maybe we're both just too busy to make this work. maybe it was our idealism that convinced us that it could even happen in the first place. Please don't close off now. I need something...some sign that it's right, that this distance won't turn me into a class A ice princess, that I'm not throwing my feelings out into an empty room... a room that later might go up in flames.

concrete jungle

"you are what you hide" -osho

"rabbit rabbit"

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important that finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing."

they don't teach us

"I've got a tight grip on reality

but I can't let go of what's in front of me here

I know you're leaving

in the morning, when you wake up

leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream."

I need to go back, mentally and emotionally. I need to learn to be comfortable alone again. I need to learn not to rely on my phone. I need to learn to love the sun and the sky and dreams again. I need to breathe deep, and stop thinking of myself. I need to be ok with loving classes and loving reading. I'm going to make this work.

to do list

-let go of the petty things

-stop over thinking

-read more

-spend more time outside

-write more

-wash my dishes more often

-collage more

-stop over thinking

-learn more

-love more

-talk about myself less

-listen more

-find a job

arboretum

"let go your heart

let go your head

and feel it now"

the Voice

"I hear students ask me when I'm going around giving info sessions, 'So, what is your acceptance rate to medical school?' And honestly, I AM happy for them that they are so determined and have such a strong direction to their life, but at the same time, all I want to say to them is I DONT WANT YOU at my school [laughs]. At least for me, the vision I've always had of this school is that people sit around and think simply because they love it... [pauses] I graduated from college and the only thing I knew I wanted to do with my life was read more books."

Call me spoiled. Call me an idealist. Call me out of touch.

This -- reading in the arboretum, student-led everything, classes the same size as they were at PCS, books that challenge me and inform me, and people who believe -- is what I came here to find.

Earl

I can be myself.

I can be fun.

I can have friends.

I can be alone.

I can comfort people.

I can make people laugh.

I can hold my head high.

I can be happy here.

brain drain 9/1

I'm scared shitless.

Did I make the wrong choice? Why can't I be myself? Why am I so intimidated by everyone? Why am I having such a hard time making friends? Why do I always feel so awkward? Why was this so much easier last summer? Why can't I just let go of things at home? Why do I worry so much? Why did I even try out for soccer? What will my classes be like? What if all of this, all of my excitement and all of my work and my parent's money, was for nothing? Where are the people who think? Where are the people who get involved? Where are the things I was so excited for at Conn? What if the rest of the semester continues...like this?

I just need to put it somewhere.

untitled.

14

"life is a series of moments."

countdown

"now you get to watch her leave out the window

guess that's why the call it the window pane"

lists and lists of fears. a bed stacked full of clothes that I know I'm not ready to pack. those few hours I get to spend with people I love. messages that ruin friendships that I won't have time to fix. attempts at virtual amity from people hours away from me. tears.

My life is a mess of images that only show one thing...it's too soon.

one month

Unsolved problems, unforgettable happiness, confusing moments, unfulfilled promises, complete bliss, unclear futures, and unexplored territories. So many things I'm leaving behind. So many things waiting for me.

plans

I mess up a lot.

independence

nightmares

to fix something that isn't broken:

Is it called a fight, or a discussion? Are we being constructive, or causing explosions? What would you change, if you could only change one thing? What would you keep, if you could only keep one thing? What is that feeling, the one you'll never talk about? What can I do besides care? What do you really mean when you say you wouldn't change a thing? What do you really think about when you're quiet? Who do you really care about? How can you really say you care about one person, when in your eyes, barely anyone could ever do wrong? How do we get along, when everything about you is completely opposite from everything about me? How can I make the bad go away, instead of just "adding good"?

After all this time, you're still a mystery.

You know me, you know my smiles, you know my laughs, you know my tears and my anger and my fears. I know that no matter what, we will have that...but it scares me to think of what it could do to us.

I miss it. Give me back the sunset at the beach up north. Give me back Iron Man, and watching the moon. Give me back walks to 23rd. Give me back my time, give me back our summer.

anticipation

1. I have literally marked half the classes in my entire course handbook as classes I want to take.

2. "The fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match, each one of you is a fuse."

3. One Day, All Children...

4. SATA - Study Away Teach Away

5. Peace Corps

6. wwoof

7. Learning guitar

8. Summer roadtrips

I want to move. I want to explore.

you know there's more

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness."

little girl

There's awards strewn around my desk, college mail, and more. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm living my life. I love so many people, and I think, I hope, they love me in return. What else does someone want for their child?

I'm so sick of not being good enough for the one person who is supposed to love me no matter what. Tell me, what did I do? How did I hurt you so badly that all you want to do is break me down?

My house has never been safe, and its your fault. What else matters when even your mom thinks you're a failure?

rogue

the whole point is, its never who you'd expect.

lifestyle

brain drain 6/1

I want to say something; I know there should be words to describe these feelings, but somehow, I can't find them. I'm growing up, and I'm growing to be more and more confused about who I am, where I'm going, what I want, and why I do what I do. I think this is healthy though; it means I'm thinking.

This is both the longest and shortest week of my life. Friday is the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and yet the least important. Nothing is ever black and white; that's one thing I am still sure of. I am living perfectly in the grey area of uncertainty...and I'm not quite ready to leave it yet.

Joy Luck (part II)

"O! Hwai dungsyi" -- You bad little thing -- said the woman, teasing her baby granddaughter. "Is Buddha teaching you to laugh for no reason?" As the baby continued to gurgle, the woman felt a deep stirring in her heart.

"Even if I could live forever," she said to the baby, " I still don't know which way I would teach you. I was once so free and innocent. I too laughed for no reason.

"But later I threw away my foolish innocence to protect myself. And then I taught my daughter, your mother, to shed her innocence so she would not be hurt as well.

"Hwai dungsyi, was this kind of thinking wrong? If I now recognize evil in other people, it is not because I have become evil too? If I see someone has a suspicious nose, have I not smelled the same bad things?"

The baby laughed, listening to her grandmother's laments.

"O! O! You say you are laughing because you have already lived forever, over and over again? You say you are Syi Wang Mu, Queen Mother of the Western Skies, now come back to give me the answer! Good, good, I am listening...

"Thank you Little Queen. Then you must teach my daughter this same lesson. How to lose your innocence but not your hope. How to laugh forever."

closer

"and any man who knows a thing

knows he knows not a damn, damn thing at all."

like a rolling stone

I wonder if I'm doing this right. Then I wonder what IS right, and often I wonder if this is what the rest of my life will be like; wondering.

"Every day it changes," I explain over and over. "Sometimes, I'm so excited to go. But other days, I'm scared out of my mind." I always feel like I could have done a better job. I know that I procrastinate, and I know that I goof off. I know that I could be more focused, and that I could do more than I do for the people around me. I know that I have never gotten the balance right between fun and work. I know that I have gotten distracted and let people down. I know that I have overworked myself, and let myself down.

I sometimes think that suddenly things will click next year. I sometimes hope that college will magically make me know how to live an adult life. But I know that's not true.

That's when I get scared. That's when I worry that I will go out into the world and fail. I worry that I will let people down, and not live up to their expectations. I worry that I'm not good enough.

But who is anyone to say, really? Who is anyone else to tell me who I am or what to be? I wish I could be this strong, I wish I could be weak.

One thing I know is that as I get older, I know less and less.

winds (part II)

"we're so arrogant, aren't we? so afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. we don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone."

saving our own lives

whirlpool/Hughes

"Death is a tower

to which the soul ascends

to spend a meditative hour--

that never ends."

-----------------------------------

"We have tomorrow

bright before us

like a flame"

in progress

This is my letter to those like me who

unsure, confused, (adults), yearn to know

we brush elbows with life, each day it's own

Soon is my religion, questioned. My politics, questioned.

My education, questioned. My goals questioned, and forever

I will wonder

I'm alive, I'm light, I'm heavy, and sometimes afraid...

Stop. And then I am ready, or am I not?

detonate

"To You

All you who are dreamers, too,

Help me to make

Our world anew.

I reach out my dreams to you."

-Langston Hughes

Joy Luck

"I asked myself, What is true about a person? Would I change in the same way the river changes color but still be the same person? And then I saw the curtains blowing wildly, and outside the rain was falling harder, causing everyone to scurry and shout. I smiled. And then I realized it was the first time I could see the power of the wind. I couldn't see the wind itself, but I could see it carried the water that filled the rivers and shaped the countryside. It caused men to yelp and dance."

brain drain 4/7

7 posts from March, again. March 7. "I'm upset on my birthday." One month ago. Finally.

Franti. Concert night. Perfection. Frustration, confusion, sadness. "I miss listening to Franti and feeling happy." 50 things I miss. The box, one week ago. Finally.

Colleges. "I can't help you...that's something you have to decide yourself." "I'm thrilled...I mean, I got into college. But I can't even tell him about it." "You've never been one to be judged by a piece of paper." Laughing on the phone. Finally.

Visiting. This summer. Freedom, guilt, independence. This year. Fear. Realizations. Finally.

I want to tell you everything about everything, and Finally, I get to. I don't have to be sad when I get excited about something and can't call you and explain it. I don't cry when I hear my favorite songs. I don't understand what changed but I'm alive again, Finally, and its thanks to you.

1/3/2010

second home

11:11

"at least we still have one thing in common."

interview

"who's your best friend?"

"I think the one thing that's common in all of my friends is that they're passionate about something. They have something that they care about. It's not too cool to care, you know? They don't look down on me for getting excited about things."

"Like what kinds of things...?"

"I dont know, the sunset, a picture, an artsy website. They can relate. They know what it's like to be stoked. They're not too good or too old. And then they have their own things that they get excited about...dancing or sports or music or whatever. They do them as much as possible not because they're going to get something for it, but because they really really love them."

alive today

guilt, sadness, love, beauty, shame, bliss, loneliness, jealousy, anger, anticipation, excitement, apprehension, contentment, loss, worry, annoyance, regret, embarrassment, fulfillment, friendship, uncertainty...

brain drain 3/14

I write for you. I write for people to see it. I write because sometimes, I don't know how to tell even my closest friends what I want them to know, but I need to say it. I write because I want people to see inside my head.

I write for them. I write to see who reads it. I write because people tell me they like it. I write because this is the one little thing I'm leaving behind. I write because I hope that someone somewhere reads it and understands. I write because I hope that someone relates and it makes them feel a little less alone.

But most of all, I write for me. I write because it calms me. I write because it always listens. I write because I don't want to forget. I write because I want to be able to go back and compare. I write in hopes that it will remind me not to make the same mistakes twice.

slip away

"Today, I told him, “You’re quite good. Why do you always play your guitar and sing alone in your room? Why don’t you go out and play for others?” He smiled and replied, “Because I’m playing for me. It’s my meditation - my escape.” MMT"

I didn't recognize the car, but it was there.

18

conscious

1. Reclaiming myself from stress is a never-ending process. The good news is, I know that I'm capable of doing it.

2. I am not too strong to be afraid. I am not too weak to be alone.

3. "Sweet dreams" never fails.

4. Every person I lose is like losing a part of myself. I miss people because I am selfish.

5. Nothing is worth more to me than a friend.

6. Hugs are healthy...it's scientifically proven.

7. "Draft autosaved at 11:11 PM"

8. I used to wish I didn't think so much, but recently, I've been constantly checking myself to make sure I am thinking enough.

9. Its not just my life that is messy. I need to stop complaining about it like I am the only one.

10. Hands intrigue me, but smiles mean everything.

"I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain."

brain drain 2/9

I hate when I post something depressing, and I look back, and it makes me sad. Because then I know that its not that I was particularly sad before. Why does thinking have to be equated with sadness?

I miss so much. I miss all the friends I've lost, and I miss when we were all close, and I miss staying up talking until 4am. I miss loving without thinking. And I know it will only get worse.

I'm scared for next year. Why is that so hard for me to admit? I'm not terrified, but every once in awhile, I worry. I don't think it will be difficult to make new friends (it will happen eventually) or find my place (again...time) but I am afraid to miss home. I'm afraid of that aching feeling when I miss the past to grow and grow. I'm afraid of that homesickness that I felt a few summers ago, when I wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up in his arms.

I'm so used to relying on someone. I have come to terms with that. But this year, I've forced myself to be independent. I know I can do it here...safe at home, with 500 things to distract me. I just don't know if I can do it in a new place, with new people, and new feelings. Can I still be my own best friend?

I don't adjust like other people. I don't reach out to everyone immediately. I sit, and I wait for people to reach out to me. And then I dig deep, and I don't try to know anyone else until I've gotten to know the first person completely. Will this hurt me?

I have so many questions.

I don't want to leave unfinished business. I hate that I can't tell you. I want to know about your life, and I want you to know about mine. I want to be at peace on your couch while you play the guitar, instead of here alone, with only one question to keep me company: when will it get better? Will it get better? I could be like her, and I could force my way into your life again. I could play for control. I could demand that you talked everything over with me. It's just not me. This is the most I'll do...I just want you to know I miss you.

I wish you would be straight with me. I wish I could see through ambiguity. I wish I could read you. I hate that two people, and the same time, hit me straight on, and for the same reason. It frustrates me more than almost anything when I can't figure people out. Call me spoiled - I'm used to knowing people perfectly. But for some reason, I can't, and it kills me. The secrecy kills me. The constant changes in dynamic kill me. The feeling of being the subordinate one in the relationship kills me. I'll admit it.

I don't know if I'm a good friend. I don't know if I'm a good person. But I keep on trying. I know that is one thing that I can say for myself.

I will not give up. I will not stop thinking.

dissection

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye

-So close to me...they just bring back painful memories of that Tuesday night. Crying in the car. I guess I'm the only one who remembers.

there's just no reason left to try.

-an email?

You push me away,

-ambiguity, to protect yourself, only kills me more.

another black day,

-stress all around me, forced to go back to last year, to relive.

let's count up the reasons to cry.

-"Sometimes it takes losing something good to know how much it means to you."

-"It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

-Life is full of parallels.

small things

pisces II

"The future is unclear. That's as it should be. Be open to the possibilities."

games

Do I know less, or am I just more aware of how little I know?

teenage wasteland

"We may not agree on this, but lets not fight,

because who cares who is wrong or right?

I feel like I can't breathe like this,

your grip is too tight."

I keep running every minute over in my head. I keep wondering what I could have done. I keep hoping that one day things will work again.

I hate sitting outside your house. I hate how the worry stones actually just make me worry more. I hate being silent.

I miss you.

weightless

"Listen," he says to her sternly, "I will tell you a secret about your demons: they are never stronger than you."

long road ahead

Accept differences.

Be kind.

Count your blessings.

Dream.

Express thanks.

Forgive.

Give freely.

Harm no one.

Imagine more.

Jettison anger.

Keep confidences.

Love truly.

Master something.

Nurture hope.

Open your mind.

Pack lightly.

Quell rumors.

Reciprocate.

Seek wisdom.

Touch hearts.

Understand.

Value truth.

Win graciously.

Xeriscape.

Yearn for peace.

Zealously support a worthy cause.

feel it in my skin

Every day I struggle to remember to love.

I love this world, and even more, I love the people who live in it.

Auto pilot is a temptation.

I will not give in --

watch me.

winds

If I could only put everything in order. Instead of sad, annoyed, upset, guilty, lonely, and free I would just be one... I would be your friend. Scenes in my head dance through the tension between us; I know you're thinking about them too. I did this all wrong, but there's no going back now. I lost a friend, and I know I'm to blame. How many times have I said this? And you never believed me...well look at us now.

world spins madly on

"this is brutally beautiful, so are we.

this is endless, so are we.

we can heal this."